All the Pretty Words

So, I’ve made it. I just printed off copies of my various personal statements to send to various graduate schools. They’re not perfect, no, but they are my best effort and will have to suffice. A nice load has been taken off my shoulders, and I know that I have only two more things that absolutely require my attention before I return to classes on the 10th, and then I will be able to start the next semester, as well as the new year, with a clear mind and nicely lowered stress level. So, it’s off to the post office tomorrow after work, and then I can start on the personal statement for the program that doesn’t require its application until the 8th, and once that is finished, I can finish up my project proposal for my honors project and mail that in so that I can finally enroll in the honors project class. Then I can take a day (or two, or three) off, watch some movies, and possibly trek up to the city if I’m not too busy lazing around for the rest of my semester break :)

–>

Yes, I’m blogging again. Twice in the same night, yes, and I know I have other things to work on, but I need to push some pixels around until my heart feels a little bit more healed.

I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend earlier today. We were talking about a community we’re both a part of, and we’ve come to feel that the leaders of this community haven’t been very attentive to their members in the past few months. We know that they’re busy working for the community, but a balance of sorts would be very much welcomed. I used to be in a relationship with one of these leaders, and I feel that one of the reasons that relationship ended was that the amount of time spent working began to interfere with the relationship. He, as well as the other leaders of the community, are very dedicated to it. But when does dedication become too much?

This is something that applies to all of us. When do we know to stop? When do we draw the line between our work lives and our personal lives? When does dedication become love, when does love become obsession, and why? How do we weigh the costs against the benefits, and how do we measure the difference?

Do I know when to stop? Where do I draw the line? Do I love what I do? Am I obsessed? Are my benefits worth my costs?

I write this post, and I cry. I don’t know why I am crying, but I am. My heart hurts. Isn’t that maddening, when you cry but you don’t know the reason, that reason you need to discover so that you can mend what is broken and move on?

I’ll think about this, sleep while I think, dream while I sleep. Maybe I’ll remember my dreams, and maybe they will reveal an answer.

–>

Well, Christmas is over, and that annual feeling of slight disappointment is here. I don’t know why, but it seems that every year, there is this post-Christmas twinge, a feeling that the day was not all that it could have been. You wonder what was missing in the day, and how you can make it better next year, but by the time the next Christmas rolls around, you have already forgotten about it. Why do the post-Christmas blues occur? Is it the end of the excitement and the adrenaline rush of the holidays? Is it a feeling of need for a deeper spiritual realization? Is it my personal issue, a result of the distance I’ve put between myself and the church over the past year? Or is it just my body coming down from the pure sugar high? I don’t know. I just always seem to get this feeling that I’m missing something.

I’ve been working feverishly on my personal statements for my graduate school applications. Or telling myself that I have been doing so. I have the one for Simon Fraser University (my top choice) very nearly finished, lacking only some beautification. The application for Nova Southeastern University isn’t due until the 8th of January, so I’m leaving it for last, but the other three are being pains in the ass. All but the NSU one are due on the 1st of January. I figure I have tomorrow to work on them, since I’m off tomorrow. I hope to have them completely finished by the time the day is over so that I can mail them Wednesday. I know I’m cutting it very close, but I’ve been swamped this semester and this is honestly the soonest I could get to them. I really shouldn’t even be posting here, but I need to de-stress and this is the best way I have to do it right now.

After I get the accursed personal statements finished and mailed off, I can work on my Honors Project proposal, email my adviser for his comments on it, submit it, and finally enroll for the Honors Project class. That will be my major issue for the next semester, and it is a big deal, but somehow I think the stress of the next semester will pale in comparison to that of this past one. One day I’ll tell my grandchildren all about what I did to get through school…my version of the “I walked 10 miles in the snow, uphill both ways to get to school! We didn’t have those newfangled horseless carriages when I was a kid!” story, right?

Anyway, back to Word I go. Wish me luck!

–>

Tomorrow is Christmas! Woo!

And now that I stupidly closed the tab containing my editing page with a previous draft of this post, I’ll have to try to remember what I was going to say. Those of you who are familiar with the state of my memory, wish me luck!

After work, which went by blessedly quickly, I went to Mass with my parents and one of my brothers, then out to eat. We then went home, where I finally got all but one of the gifts and wrapped all those that I have tonight. This worked out fairly well, as the one I’m missing goes to my brother-in-law (whom I see fairly often and can get his gift easily later on) and not one of my brothers (I was waiting on gifts for the two brothers I see rarely, so getting their gifts to them would have been quite a pain). Then, Mom and I set our gifts under the tree and stuffed the stockings. I know what one of my gifts from my parents is (tennis shoes–pink and grey!) since I picked it out last week at the mall, but there is another largish box and I think I know what it is. Earlier this month, Dad showed me a bit of junk mail from our cell phone service provider, which was advertising new phones. He acted like they might get one for me, so maybe finally I’ll be able to replace that huge bugger…yeah, that’s me and my huuuuge phone… with a nice shiny new cameraphone! I really really hope it’s a cameraphone. If it’s even a phone at all, of course. Suspense! Argh!

I finally got another set of letters of recommendation, so hopefully the last set will be coming in the mail soon. I don’t have to work again until Wednesday, so that gives me some time for frantic personal statement writing and possibly a trip to meet my professor so I won’t have to wait for the achingly slow postal mail and even more suspense. I need those letters *now*!

Anyhoo, I shall try very hard to not worry about it tomorrow (although some worry might help me get the damn statements written) and enjoy the holiday. I hope you all will also take some time to slow down and enjoy yourselves.

Happy Holidays!

–>

I now have one set out of the three sets of letters of recommendation I need to apply for graduate schools. One of the lagging professors called to let me know that her set is in the mail, but I haven’t heard from the other. I’m getting worried, but I’ll give him until tomorrow. Then I will send a email explaining to him the pressing need for his letters to be finished as soon as humanly possible. What can I expect, though? It’s not like I put the due dates of each program in my file for him or anything. *sighs over the seeming inability of professors to feel the impending doom of deadlines*

I need to get my ass in gear and write personal statements, too. I have a draft of one, but it needs revision and adaptation for each program, and I just don’t seem to be able to work up the motivation for it. What’s wrong with me? These are due next Saturday! Gah!

I’ve finally recieved all but three of the gifts I’ve purchased from Amazon. Tomorrow I need to wrap them, joy.

I can’t wait for this year (and its deadlines) to be over. Next year will bring its fair share of stress, what with acceptance/rejection letters, preparing to move out, and my last semester of college, but somehow I don’t think next semester will have anything on the last one in terms of the amount of stress I’ve put myself through.

–>